Word/Text Vomit

Hmmm...I'll admit.  I'm having a bit of a writers block moment.  But then again its supposed to be inspirational (?), ummm, venting (?), therapeutic (definitely)...anyways

I have a problem - it goes by the name of word vomit, or in my case, TEXT vomit.

It often rears its ugly head when boys (because I can't HONESTLY call them men yet) go awol in my life.  Of course i think that they are awol because of something I've done.  I guess that goes hand in hand with my inability to move forward.  I've tried deleting numbers, but inevitably I've already memorized the number (frack!), and I've tried to avoid places that we may have interacted in, but honestly that is stupid.  Its my place too!  But out comes the phone with what i hope is a message that provokes a response.  Sometimes it works - early on.  But later it doesn't...and I look like a fool, even though by this point they have probably blocked me themselves, and exhibited an extraordinary amount of will power (This is my POV remember?). The most recent dating debacle only FUELED my text vomit.

Ironically I met him at a concert that my ex bought tickets for he and I to see, but the concert got moved, and he moved, and broke up with me so i was left with the tickets.  I gave them to my friend (HI!) who had plans to share them with one of hers, but that fell thru, and I found myself, going to the concert that I swore I would avoid.  But I'm glad I went, I've kind of fallen in love with small concerts and little known artists. 

So this is where I met my most recent diaster of a distraction.  I guess it wasn't a full on distraction.  He inadvertently brought me back into a relationship with God, but his actions are sooooo not .... holy pure.  But I thought he was good, and what I needed.  Here's whats weird, we may have slept together once early on, but we still hung out for a few weeks before he just fell off the face of the earth.  WITH MY BIBLE IN TOW.  It took seemingly forever for me to get it back too.  I had a guy tell me that was his way of holding on to me...to contact me down the road, and have a reason too.  MAKES NO SENSE. 

Anyways, I would text him, blah blah blah, and he would never reply if it had anything to do with my bible.  If it had to do with hanging out, watching a movie, whatever, then he MIGHT reply.  It was ridiculous, because I had no idea where he was going with me, and i was OVER IT.  lol Sort of.  I wanted to provoke a definitive response about his 'intentions' so i badgered.  Eventually I got it back by being bold and just showing up, giving him an hours notice.  We ended up talking a bit and making tentative plans to hang out after work that night, but of course, nothing came to fruition.  So what did I do....I text vomited, hard, profusely, addictively. 

Its....my reaction toward rejection.  My need for trying to understand, and trying to get closure...hence the word vomit.  I NEEEEEED to know why, or how to fix it.  To make it right, at least on my terms.

Thankfully its been....a few days at least since the latest text slip. 



Day 4