Move on to MM - I fell in love so hard and fast, my friends compared it to being hit by a train, you just couldn't stop it. And he fed my need for instant gratification. He was spontaneous, showing up in my driveway, before I got home from work - and he lived 90 minutes away. We saw each other AT LEAST 4 days a week. We did so many things, and he gave me so much of what I think was love. It might have been lust on his end. It was exactly what I thought I needed. And I CRAVED it...I NEEDED it. So when he broke up with me out of the blue (it literally was out of the blue - I wasn't the only one who was shocked) and began distancing himself from me, I didn't know what to do. Our whole relationship evolved around speed, and INSTANT GRATIFICATION. I didn't need to be patient before. He asked me to be patient, while he did his training and MAYBE when he was done (in 10 months or so) there is a possibility that we would get back together...long distance (I refuse to move to another state for the minute possibility of getting back together). I tried, but I could not do it. I needed something more.
Along came LJ - yeah the last disaster I mentioned in last post. I truly tried to be patient.
Seriously...I tried...like HARD...
I timed out my texts, spaced them out. Even set up our first date nearly a week after meeting him (in the past...er present...ummm future ::feeling sheepish::...it would have been the next day). I was golden. Then something happened. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was him calling me spontaneously, maybe it was him taking me to chuch and meeting his WHOLE family. I'm not sure - but somewhere, I got impatient. Its not like I cornered him and asked him where this was going...but I think I pushed him somehow. Whether it was something I said, or over texting, or trying to hang out...i have no clue, and THAT KILLS ME.
Not knowing what I did wrong, what happened, it truly slays me with MG, MM, and LJ. My friends try to convince me that he was my way of distracting myself from MM, but I think I really loved everything that he stood for. A country boy, a man of God, didn't swear, had his stuff together in life, had a close relationship with his family, and the looks...mmmm. I wish I could salvage it, and yet I know I shouldn't, because no one that just goes off the radar like that is someone I should yearn for.
Somehow, its all interconnected to my lack of Patience. Somehow, rather than instant gratification, i think i need to change my mindset to DELAYED gratification. I love to hard and fast and deep, so its hard. I should let them come to me, (which I did with LJ) but i get overexcited at the possibilities, and rush...like there isn't enough time. Life is short.
Patience is hard. I don't have any, I don't want to have to wait. I want it all, and I want it now. Fast and Furious love. I don't know how to do Patience.
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Heres the last point I will make on my impatience -
I went crazy over the fact that a man I met at work who invited me out to grab a drink at his place of work bought me a few drinks on him, and then he never texted me the next day, or the next, or the one after that. A girlfriend said it hasn't even been a week! Here's the thing though - I know I'm on a no dating sobriety test, but I still want to feel wanted, and its like a constant rejection.
Any suggestions on how to get past my need for instant gratification, lack of patience, and fear of constant rejection?
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